By Stacey Ukaobasi
Marriage is a union between two individuals, but it often involves integrating into each other’s families. Acceptance from both families can significantly influence the dynamics of the relationship. In many cases, acceptance or rejection from the in-laws can play a pivotal role in determining the fate of the marriage.
Thomas Aquinas is one of the most respected theologians of the Roman Catholic Church who introduced a profound body of knowledge on the concept and theology of marriage. We will borrow a little from his thoughts before we proceed with our thematic discussion on the dynamics of marriage.
The Permanence of Marriage
Indissoluble by Nature:
Saint Thomas: By the intention of nature, marriage is directed to the rearing of the offspring, not merely for a time, but throughout its whole life. Hence it is of natural law that parents should lay up for their children, and that children should be their parents’ heirs (2 Corinthians 12:14). Therefore, since the offspring is the common good of husband and wife, the dictate of the natural law requires the latter to live together forever inseparably: and so the indissolubility of marriage is of natural law. (Supplement Q. 67 A. 1)
Commentary: Marriage is founded on the primary end of marriage, whence comes a naturally inseparable union. Such permanence brings about the happy result of a stable family.
A Further Aid to the Primary End of Marriage:
Saint Thomas: Now a child cannot be brought up and instructed unless it have certain and definite parents, and this would not be the case unless there were a tie between the man and a definite woman and it is in this that matrimony consists. (Supplement, Q 41. A1).
However, despite this theological background of marriage, there are several social factors that could necessitate peaceful dissolution which we will try to encapsulate going forward.
*Acceptance and Rejection: The Two Determining Factors*
In marriage, acceptance and rejection are two powerful forces that can shape the course of the relationship. Acceptance fosters a sense of belonging, love, and support, while rejection can lead to feelings of isolation, stress, and anxiety. There are two primary types of rejection that couples may face: underground rejection and open rejection.
Underground rejection is subtle and often expressed behind closed doors. Family members may not openly express their disapproval, but their actions and body language can convey their feelings. Open rejection, on the other hand, is direct and explicit. It can manifest as confrontational behavior or outright disapproval from in-laws.
When a spouse feels rejected by their partner’s family, it can create significant stress and tension in the marriage. The couple may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying to prove themselves to their in-laws. This can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, potentially straining the relationship.
The impact of rejection can go as far as the couple feeling reluctant in attending family gatherings because they know there’s no genuine love. This can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection from the family.
some cases, having a male child may lead to increased acceptance or tolerance from the in-laws, even if they initially didn’t approve of the wife. However, having female children may exacerbate the situation, leading to more tension and stress in the marriage. This dynamic is often more prevalent among illiterate in-laws, who may hold traditional views and expectations. In some instances, these in-laws may persist in their disapproval,making the woman’s life a living hell regardless of the length of the marriage. The impact of these expectations can vary depending on individual circumstances and the specific family dynamics.LETS LEAVE THIS TOPIC FOR ANOTHER DAY!
Now let’s consider the story of a single mother from Enugu Ukwu who relocated to Canada with her two kids. From the outset, her future father-in-law expressed his reservations about her past, asking her how she would feel if her brother wanted to marry a woman with two kids. He further told her that he heard she was a prostitute, which was demeaning and hurtful. Despite this open rejection, she chose to stay and work hard to prove him wrong. Eventually, she married her partner, but the acceptance she received seemed to be conditional, based on the birth of her grandchildren. The absence of her partner’s siblings at their wedding, despite their proximity, further emphasized the lack of acceptance from the broader family unit.
There’s also the story of a man I know very well who traveled abroad and later returned home to marry his longtime sweetheart. Despite his parents’ disapproval, he went ahead with the marriage, and they didn’t attend the wedding. The outcome of their relationship remains uncertain, but it highlights the challenges couples may face when their families don’t approve of their partner.
When a spouse feels rejected or unaccepted by their partner’s family, it can have long-term implications for the marriage. The couple may feel like they’re living on eggshells, constantly trying to navigate the complex web of family dynamics. This can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and burnout.
1.Acceptance is key.Recognize that your child or sibling has chosen this person for a reason, and they deserve respect and kindness.
2.Love and respect go a long way: Treat your new family member with the same love and respect you’d want for yourself or your own family.
3.Don’t judge: Avoid making assumptions or judgments about someone based on limited information. Get to know them as an individual.
4.Support your loved one.Be there for your loved one and support their decision, even if you don’t fully understand their choice.
By following these principles, you can help create a more positive and loving atmosphere in your family. Acceptance and love are essential for building strong, resilient relationships that benefit both the couple and their children. But also,my dear African women.In
challenging situations, prioritizing your well-being and that of your children is crucial. If a relationship becomes overly stressful or toxic, and your partner isn’t supportive, it may be necessary to reassess the situation. Your mental health and the safety of your children should be top priorities. If the situation doesn’t improve, considering a separation olr divorce might be the best decision, regardless of previous marriages,attempts or even if you have 20 male children for the Man ultimately, walking away can be a brave and necessary step to protect yourself and your children.
peace of mind and a stress-free life, especially for the sake of children, is crucial ans in conclusion surrounding yourself with genuine love and acceptance can significantly impact your overall well-being and happiness. It’s essential to recognize when a situation is no longer serving one’s best interests and to take steps to create a more positive and nurturing environment.
*Stacey Ukaobasi is the founder of the FORUM FOR CHILD RIGHTS PROMOTION, Nigeria, a Non-Governmental Organisation.
